Episode 009: Fighting Toward a Win-Win
This is the second series on the Mama Says Namaste Podcast with my most favorite guest (and partner for life), Nathan Logsdon. In this series, we dig deep into the critical components that create a healthy and happy intimate relationship – join us as we discuss
Laughter, Humble Pie, and Lots of Sex!
Quote of the Day:
“If they respect you, respect them. If they disrespect you, respect them still. Do not allow the actions of others to decrease your good manners, because you represent yourself, not others.”
A Few Things To Think About:
Teasing is an easy trap to get into the habit of, and it usually is at someone else’s expense. Ask “what is your goal” before you jab.
Abide by a “clean slate” rule – don’t hold grudges and resentment, or bring the past into the current situation. What’s in the past is done – so now address what you will do moving forward. Start with a clean slate and not a dark shadow.
Disagreements happen, and sometimes it’s a broken record of the same issue over and over. When you start to see a negative pattern, you want to address it as soon as you can so it doesn’t become a habit or lifestyle.
Read Ashley’s blog post “Discuss, But Never Argue” here: https://www.mamasaysnamaste.com/discuss-but-never-argue/
When you have a disagreement, it’s okay to take a break and NOT try to solve it all at once.
The root of all anger is not ‘out there’ but within your heart.
Every time you point a finger, there are three more pointing back at you. What is your expectation for your relationship, and what negative behaviors/habits are you contributing?
You have to have respect for yourself so you can then pass that on to the world. Sometimes we take others’ behavior even more personally because it’s a fault we have in our own lives.
Hear our daughter Ellie’s rendition of Daniel Tiger’s “When You Feel So Mad” here: http://www.byebyeiloveyou.com/when-you-feel-so-mad/
You are on the same team. Don’t let the issue become bigger than the relationship.
The past can carry some heavy baggage – be sure to speak in the present moment.
Own your feelings. It’s not “you did…” but “I feel…”
Share your own emotions without playing the “blame game”
Share it, let it out, and then drop it. Allow your partner to do the same – to share how they are feeling. Truly listen to one another without just plotting out your rebuttal.
Being on the defensive assumes you are on two separate teams. You are on the same team. Don’t jump to the defense.
Don’t carry the anger with you – it can fester and grow much larger than you ever intended, and you can lose sight of the ultimate goal – a loving relationship.
Give space for each other to think and process.
Take the accountability off of each other and put it in writing. Write out your plans and your goals so you can look to that paper for the accountability vs. your spouse looming over your shoulder shaking their finger.
“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.”
Hot topics/trigger points for couples, especially starting out:
- Finances – come to an agreement on what is mutually beneficial for the family as whole. Does what you spend ADD to the family, or is it one more thing adding tension/clutter?
- Extended family – you have to draw the line – you are not duplicating your family of origin. You are creating a new family entity. You may draw from the past, but not to the detriment of what is. Your family will be different, and that’s okay.
Some Tips On Dealing With Those Trigger Points:
Give yourselves grace to practice. You aren’t going to get it right all the time. Allow for grace in your growth – as individuals, as a couple, and as a family.
Ask yourself: What is your intention with your disagreement? Is it to truly find love in the relationship or get the upper hand?
Catch yourself when things get heated. Before you point that finger of blame or immediately fly to the defense, take a breath and remember who you are talking to. This is your heart and who you chose to take on this world with.
Read more on the first points in this series here: https://www.mamasaysnamaste.com/laughter-humble-pie-and-lots-of-sex/
This Week’s Challenge:
Create a holding space for grace. Show your partner that you love them enough to work through it.
And remember, if you’re liking what you hear, we want to hear from you!
- Subscribe, rate and review on iTunes
- Post your comments/questions in the Mama Says Namaste Facebook Community
- Email Ashley directly at ashley@MamaSaysNamaste.com
*Podcast music by the awesome Renee & Jeremy who cover “Put a Little Love In Your Heart” by Jackie DeShannon. Props to both of them for this beautiful rendition that epitomizes what I want for families!