What kind of family life do you have? Do you walk on eggshells and cringe, waiting for the next bomb of conflict to drop in your home? Is this the family life you truly enjoy coming home to?
This is the third in the “Be The Good, See the Good” Series.
We will dive in to how the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us, and learn how we can work in our strengths and recognize that in others.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love
Ss are steady and stable. Reserved and yet people-focused. They listen and observe first, which definitely allows them to notice and be more aware of what is going on with others.
When you envision a dog, you think loyal, faithful, dependable and trustworthy. For a dove, you think of a peacemaker and love. Both of these are great descriptors for the S personality style. Of the Earth elements, Ds are fire, Is are air, and an S is water, with its smooth and steady flow.
“People will forget what you said. They will forget what you did. But they will never forget how you made them feel.“ Maya Angelou
My mother, Joanne Miller, wrote “Creating a Haven of Peace: When Your Feeling Down, Finances are Flat and Tempers are Rising” – she lays out how she broke the cycle of disfunction in her family and intentionally created the “haven of peace” she wanted in her own home.
“Don’t ever mistake my silence for ignorance, my calmness for acceptance, or my kindness for weakness.“ Carson Kolhoff
The Logsdon family countdown – I was juggling managing www.48Days.com, building www.MamaSaysNamaste.com, unschooling three children, getting the house ready for us to leave indefinitely, and prepping it to be an AirBnB. Nathan was in real estate and super busy with housing market in Nashville, TN.
With selling, sometimes it’s all about semantics. S’s don’t “sell,”, they “serve.” Simply switching the terminology from them “selling” to “serving” their client can make a very dynamic and successful salesperson, as they easily see things from other perspectives and can identify the need to truly serve their clients.
Are you really lazy and apathetic, or are you simply avoiding conflict and pressure? Maybe it’s more about security than personal lack of drive.
We had a marriage-centered home – our relationship took priority over our children, and they knew this. We enforced a “7-7 Rule”, which meant kids were in their beds by 7pm at night – even if they were older and didn’t need to sleep then. This time was sacred for Nathan and me to reconnect, hash out the day and process it all so we could be better parents for our children the next day. Having a marriage focused relationship does not mean kids suffer. I feel it makes children more secure knowing their parents are a united front.
We are very careful with the energy that comes into our home. Negative or difficult topics aren’t brushed under the rug; however, they are not what we bring into our house. Our back porch became our safe place to let it all out in the open air. We chose to bring love, peace and connection back under our roof.
A great book to help you with the baby steps to take action in your life is The One Thing by Gary Keller
For an S-style, there are many things being thrown their way, and sometimes complacency is the easiest way to get through. They are peacemakers and tend to be the go-to when teen drama erupts. It can be a lot of pressure to be the shoulder to cry on for every friend, and the stress of carrying everyone else’s burdens can be overwhelming. A coping mechanism may be to numb the emotions by TV, internet/video games, sleeping, drinking/smoking to dull the intensity to a more manageable level. When you see them start to shut down, look for ways to provide some security and consistency in an otherwise roller-coaster life. Not only are they steady, dependable and loyal, but they crave this – steadiness, dependability and loyalty – in their own lives.
Relationships have seasons. We shift from the parent/toddler relationship, to parent/child, tween, teen, young adult?and eventually the shift is where they are no longer just children but making parenting choices for their parents. All relationships have seasons, and that’s okay.
Love is a verb – it’s not something that just sits there.
It’s an action you do every day.
Make sure you communicate the small things before they become big things.
Practice positive self-talk and push yourself to get out of your comfort zone a bit.
Create consistency in your life, even when there are unknowns. Be intentional about creating steady habits that allow for some routine and predictability to help you manage the unpredictable chaos of life.
Characteristics of an S personality style:
- Calm & Steady
- Low Energy
- Follows through with tasks
- Quiet but witty
- Respects authority
- Loves to serve and support others
- Resists change
- Resents being pushed and can shut down/become passive aggressive
They are motivated by:
- Deep connections with others
- Feeling needed (emphasize you need their help)
They are upset by:
- Feeling insecure and/or overwhelmed
To help foster the relationship:
- Help them to express their feelings (don’t wait until it’s a mountain – address the little molehills)
- Teach them how to make an informed decision so they have confidence in their ability
- Help them adapt to a faster pace when needed
- Teach them how to stand up for themselves: Kindness does not equal weakness!
- Practice positive self-talk
- Get involved in outside activities
- Encourage them to step outside their comfort zone – change can be positive!
- Give space, but don’t allow them to shut down
- I so appreciate your help
- I love your compassionate heart
- I love hearing what you have to say
- Thank you for being so patient with me.
- You really thought that through – that shows me how important it was to you
- I really am grateful for your support
? If you are angry, tone it down. Strong aggressive approaches are too intimidating.
? Your tone of voice and body language immediately set the stage for whether your child is able
to listen or is retreating from conflict.
? Allow for some consistency and routine in your daily life so your S child has comfort in the
? Give your S child some time to adapt to changes. If you know of some change coming, give
them advance notice so they can prepare and be able to think and talk through concerns.
? High Ss don’t care for surprises. They want time to plan and process.
? Ss, when hurt, can build up resentment and carry deep grudges. Work through ways to
process and let things go, and stress the importance of letting the negative emotions out instead of stuffing them in.
Best “cheat sheet” to find out personality style?
Ask this question:
“Tell me your story”
. A high S style will tell you about the relationships first. An adult will immediately tell you they are a mother, father, husband, wife, etc and tell about the family members. A kid will tell you about their pets, their siblings, and their friends. The first identifier for them will be the relationships they have.
Read more about the S Personality style in this blog post: Never Confuse Kindness for Weakness: The High S Style
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*Podcast music by the awesome Renee & Jeremy who cover “Put a Little Love In Your Heart” by Jackie DeShannon. Props to both of them for this beautiful rendition that epitomizes what I want for families!