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Organic. What a buzz word. Yet...have you heard of "organic relationships"? We talk about organic living and organic food and how we want all things natural and good for you. We want to know not only what we eat and how we live, but we look for how it connects the Earth to ourselves. We seek positive connections where we restore and renew our Earth with sustainable living and communing with nature, making our own food, and creating environmentally conscious communities.
And then....there are relationships. Those powerful connections that can spread love and life and toxicity and poison in your life. What are your relationship goals? What types of relationship do you have with the people in your life? What is relationship - especially family relationship? How do we define relationship, build trust in a relationship, have a committed relationship...or take a relationship break?
I've been brewing on this for a while. Organically brewing - quite funny, but little by little this idea has been developing in my head. This concept of growing organic families, and organic relationships as a whole.
I pulled one of the three Webster definitions for "organic":
What are organic relationships?
In organic farming, there is a natural Darwinian evolution that takes place - you work with the soil. With the Earth, you seek natural solutions and resources, and when all else fails, you allow the plant or animal to pass on and go back to the Earth it came from. You do not artificially force growth and success, not every animal and plant survives, and the ones that do, thrive not only from the natural sunlight, nutrients and water, but also from the fertilizer of the decomposed plants and animals that go back to the Earth - so even those that are not thriving are powerful tools to bring sustainability and nutrients to the ones that do.
So let's go back to relationships. Think about a relationship with a child. As a parent who loves the art of Simplicity Parenting, I cannot set an agenda for exactly what my daughters will become. I simply love them and provide a safe and nurturing environment for them to thrive. I watch these daughters of mine grow every day and adapt what I provide them based on what each of them needs at the moment. It may be discipline, a loving touch, a listening ear, creative inspiration, or us exploring together. Simply put, we have organic relationships; they evolve as we grow.
For them, it's an organic process - not forced, but a process of them discovering all that encompasses who they are, and who they want to be.
In my marriage, I do not artificially force the status quo. We don't "keep up with the Joneses". We don't watch TV shows every night and only have sex once a month just because it's the norm. We check in with each other every night. We talk and learn more about each other every day even though we've been together for over fifteen years. We cannot predict the future of our relationship; we live in the now and relish the present moment, seeking to make each moment of now be the most positive one to foster growth and a thriving relationship with each other.
It's not all rainbows and unicorns
There are people in each of our lives, however, that don't build us up. They are toxic for one reason or another. They have hidden agendas, passive aggressive (or just downright aggressive) tendencies, they tear down to build up, they zap your energy and riddle you with obligation.
And I say let them go.
There is so, so much more than what we know in this little blip of a lifetime we are in. Regardless of your religion, the bottom line is that none of us are certain of what infinity holds. We don't know what happens beyond death, and we sometimes cling to what we know here for...for...what reason?
To hold on to the security of what we are comfortable with in order to cheat death?
Let me tell you, dear brothers and sisters, death comes to us all. Death, at least, in the sense of this human form. And in this human form we hold on to things and relationships that we know and that are comfortable for us. But what good does a toxic relationship do - in this life or beyond? Do we take it with us? Do we take any of this stuff on Earth with us?
There are people we all know that we hold on to, and my challenge to you is to look at what it is doing for your own organic growth.
Do they lift you up?
Do they motivate and inspire you?
Are they creating a positive energy for mutual growth, or do they bring you down?
Are they simply blood-related so you force a relationship because they have a specific title, like mother or brother? An organic relationship will crumble when it's laced with toxicity, just like an organic plant.
It's hard to pin this down to a simple blog post, but let me just say that relationships are the essence of our human lives, and they don't live by titles. Boss, friend, relative or neighbor means nothing. What matters is that powerful connection you create.
Why are you holding on to a toxic relationship?
Look at the relationship free from all titles, agendas, expectations and obligations. Look at what you provide for each other. If there is good you have to offer one another, let it thrive. Don't force it. Don't push an agenda. Allow the seeds to grow and provide the environment to foster a beautiful human being, made better because of your positive, organic relationships.
But if it is pulling you down, creating shadows over your light, robbing you of nutrients in the soil, or taking you out of your own present moment, step back a bit. Let it go.
That doesn't mean you shun and cut off all ties with people who are a negative drain or energy zapper. It simply means you create clear boundaries - you separate yourself and spend your focused time in the light, growing and thriving so that you can spread the love while not being in the shadows.
Don't run from every negative relationship. I'm not telling you that every bad seed dies off or every negative connection is one to avoid. Author Jim Rohn says "you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with."
I'm simply saying to use your time wisely. To grow organically you need to protect yourself from that which zaps your own growth. So don't allow toxic relationships to creep in and take over. Don't stew on an agenda for what this relationship should look like. Love. Live. Let go.
Want to ensure YOU are not the toxic person? If you'd like to learn more about your beautiful strengths as well as potential weaknesses and triggers for toxicity, read more about the Namaste Personality Profile here.
How do you manage the unhealthy relationships in your life, and how do you ensure you can love them without letting their reality become yours?
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Great post. Your work is really very good. Tips are very useful.
Thanks so much! Yes, it is a super sensitive topic and hard to navigate when the relationships aren’t going to just disappear. When Nathan and I were dating and newly married, our number one source of contention was always around family and us navigating the family dynamics. We literally separated ourselves physically by moving to a new place and really cementing our relationship as a team first and foremost. When we were a unified front, it really helped with understanding that there was no attack on the other family members – it was us making a decision together out of love on what we would allow to come into our home.
And at this point, we are super sensitive not just to the toxic relationships but what energy comes into our home. There are times when we have to connect with family members we don’t resonate with, and if the vibe isn’t right, we set some parameters – maybe they don’t come into our home for dinner, but we meet out in a public place where there is clear ending to the meeting. We keep the topics light and focus on the present moment, not the past frustrations. We might even prepare for some topics we know are safe, like a current movie or event, to keep the conversation away from the personal and keep it externally focused. The best thing we’ve found for navigating it all is not getting sucked into it – we set time limits so we allow for the little connection needed and gracefully bow out with love before the conversation can be directed elsewhere. 🙂 I agree that it’s not easy, but man, doing a few little visits vs. having it be a part of our every lives is such a huge difference!
Whoa. I linked to this from this week’s post. Such a complicated topic. I would love to see more posts about it.
It’s difficult to deal with these toxic relationships when they are blood relatives. “They have hidden agendas, passive aggressive (or just downright aggressive) tendencies, they tear down to build up, they zap your energy and riddle you with obligation.” We have these on both sides and it’s hard to strike the right balance of not walking away and setting firm boundaries. It’s been a process throughout our marriage and the most important thing has been for the two of us to be on the same page, be clear about our values and support each other. We try to lead by example and not hold on to resentment. It’s not always easy.
Thanks for such a raw and honest post!
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Ashley, great post. You eloquently talk about simplicity in marriage, and I agree. It is something that my husband and I need to work on. We sometimes get so consumed in the expectations of us and in maintaining all our things that we forget to maintain our relationship and go back to the basics.
Thanks for the reminder and for the great post!
Great post and really has me examing my relationships with people.