How often has your pride stood in the way of moving forward in a relationship? Do you find yourself trying to "keep up with the Joneses" or do you get so worked up about things that it seems too big to back off of, even if you start to second-guess yourself?
As a mother, wife, entrepreneur, and podcaster, my life is full of daily challenges and opportunities for growth. Whether I'm devising new marketing strategies for my business (or my father's), recording my podcast, or simply navigating the complex terrain of our full-time traveling lifestyle, I'm constantly learning and adapting to new circumstances.
One of the biggest lessons I've learned and continue to practice is the importance of letting go of pride and embracing humility. This has been a challenging but necessary shift in my mindset, one that I believe has helped me become a better wife, mother, and entrepreneur.
I remember in my childhood hearing that old King James Version quote from the bible, "Pride goeth before a fall." (Technically speaking, the 1611 version of the KJB says this: Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18)
Ah, that wonderful pride. Wikipedia lays it out well by saying this:
Pride is an inwardly directed emotion that carries two antithetical meanings. With a negative connotation pride refers to a foolishly[1] and irrationally corrupt sense of one's personal value, status or accomplishments, used synonymously with hubris. With a positive connotation, pride refers to a humble and content sense of attachment toward one's own or another's choices and actions, or toward a whole group of people, and is a product of praise, independent self-reflection, and a fulfilled feeling of belonging.
Who "Wears the Pants"?
Early on in my marriage, I struggled to let go of my preconceived notions of what my role as a wife and homemaker should be. This cliche of "who wears the pants" is old - it's 2023 as I write this - we ALL wear pants - so what fits us?
Growing up, my family was, in many ways, a very traditional household. For the majority of my childhood, my father was the sole breadwinner and my mother stayed home with us. With our variety of schooling, there were years where she was the homeschool queen, creating all kinds of incredible experiences for us, and others where she would greet me at the bus stop after my day in public school, and we'd walk back home to have tea and homemade cookies.
Naturally, I assumed that I would follow in my mother's footsteps and become a homemaker myself. My mother was definitely Mrs. Suzy Homemaker. She prided herself in that, and it was a very positive thing. She still loves to play "mama" to so many, and although she doesn't cook at the same level as she did when she had a houseful of growing children, she still is the "safe haven" for many to come and sit with her over a cup of tea.
My father can do a lot of things - but his role in our home has always been the stereotypical one. He is Mr. Fix-it and the one who brings home the bacon (not literally since all his kids were vegetarian). The extent of his cooking abilities, however, was our Sunday "family movie" night meal: PB&J sandwiches and popcorn. That he could rock.
Honoring My Mama
We're nearing Mother's Day, and I'm so grateful for the one I have. Growing up, Mama made all kinds of fabulous feasts. She learned from her mother-in-law who grew up Amish. Our times in the kitchen typically meant everything was made from scratch...and typically could take up an insane amount of time. It wasn't simply about the final outcome, but truly embracing the joy of cooking. That was actually a very significant wedding gift I got from my aunt - The Joy Of Cooking cookbook! Mom and I used that as our Bible, and I poured over it in the early years of our marriage. I had my cookbook and my Kitchenaid: I was ready to be a wife.
Mama taught me how to sew, garden, raise kids, homeschool, put on makeup and what fashion was, and how to make melt-in-your-mouth desserts. She was - and still is - an incredible teacher, and it's what I admire most about her. Her patience in teaching others has allowed her to thrive in the role of the traditional mama. She even wrote a book about our lives and how she spent her life making her home a true "haven of peace":
There are so many things I'm grateful for that my mama passed on to me.
And, the reality is, while I'm her daughter, I'm not her personality style.
What Is My Best Contribution?
You have heard me talk so much about personality styles. They can be vastly different. I married my mother's personality style - it's not who I am. I am a high D/I (or Eagle/Parrot) on the DISC personality profile. In simple terms, it would be this:
- Mama: nurturing, supportive, loyal, people-focused, slower to process/act, lower energy, dislikes confrontation, seeks comfort and security as a top priority.
- Me: driven, decisive, opinionated, high energy, fast-paced, loves challenges, impatient, seeks achievement and accomplishment, and can be very task-focused.
I, unlike my mother, loved the beauty of a fast-paced professional environment. Crisis and challenges motivate me, and I have no fear of plowing forward head-on. And what I've found is that I can make a damn good businesswoman.
Don't get me wrong - I absolutely love being a mother and wife. I love the "Suzy homemaker" role and doing so much of what my mother did for me. Yet I had to step aside and recognize that I have a skill set that is different from hers and other ways that I could show up and contribute in our home. A competitive work environment that is task-focused and fast-paced stimulates me, and I had to look at whether or not working was a good fit for me.
Clearly, you see I've decided that not only working but creating my own business was something that fired me up and got me excited.
Re-Evaluating Roles In Our Home
Now, my husband Nathan is not hurting in the sexy man arena. He has an awesome ability to fix things, a ridiculous strength that surprises people, and I feel 100% safe with him for anything we would get into - both mentally and physically. He carries his weight with so much and is my ruggedly handsome hippie outdoorsman.
And...in his home, his Dad loved to cook. Guess what he passed on to his son (thank you, Poppa D!!). Now, I can follow a recipe just fine. I will wear my badge of honor that my baking is a whole other level - I can rock the desserts. But I swear Nathan can open up a pantry of complete randomness and make a meal that not only blows us away in taste but even looks amazing.
He's not like my mother in every way, yet Nathan has the intuitive element of not only taking care of others but being perceptive enough to recognize their needs right away.
For people like Nathan and Mama, this comes naturally. They encourage and support very easily. And they thrive in doing things for others. Mama took it to the extreme and says she has "enabling down to a fine art."
Not to completely throw me under the bus, but for myself, this is more of a learned trait. My perceptive side will read someone and jump straight to the end result - what we can do to move forward. That's exactly why I am a coach and not a counselor. I've learned a lot from my husband and mother about the importance of patience and allowing people to simply be heard and supported right where they are.
This shift allowed us to delegate tasks based on what we wanted to cultivate in our home and who was best suited to the task, rather than feeling confined by traditional gender roles. Nathan, for example, has taken over primary responsibilities in the kitchen while we are traveling in our RV. I still enjoy cooking in my own way and find that there are times when my daughters and I work on elaborate recipes together.
What Is Your SuperPower?
It's not always easy to acknowledge that someone else is better at something than you, yet accepting and recognizing others' strengths can be such a relationship-builder. Learning to admit when I was wrong or insecure has been crucial in our relationship.
It was a tough pill for me to swallow to acknowledge the fact that Nathan was better at cooking and supporting than I was.
For a while, I fought it and tried to do it all. I was "queen mama" just like my mother. I cooked, cleaned, ran the whole household, and also juggled my work in the midst of it all.
I may be highly driven and accomplish a ton when I set my mind to it, but Wonder Woman, I am not. My superpower is not doing everything (come to think of it, hers isn't either). We all have superpowers, but mastering everything isn't it. Community and connection are so paramount to our success in this world.
I was utterly exhausted. I had two small children who weren't sleeping through the night. Nathan and I both knew that nighttime interruptions were completely my area - he is not one for waking up in the middle of a deep sleep and having any idea what is going on. I was up all night and rose with the babies while Nathan rushed off to work.
Oh, to be the perfect Pinterest mom, the overachiever who carried the weight of a whole company on her shoulders, and also have the house in perfect order all the time. I refused to admit I was failing miserably.
Yet Nathan would come home after a long day and I'd look up frantically from my computer as I was rattling off "just one more email" while the kids were glued to the TV screen and I realized it was 6 pm and I hadn't even thought up dinner. Or, better yet, I had completely come up with the perfect recipe and then realized that if I dove in at that point, we would be lucky to eat by 9 pm.
We have to allow others to thrive in their strengths, and give them space to do so.
The Downside of Pride
I was so angry. I was immediately on the defensive when he walked in, trying to get him to see why it wasn't all accomplished and justifying my day away. And I was mad at myself for failing everyone. And I so didn't want to admit that I couldn't do it...yet failing at doing it all was an even worse fate.
My pride was there, and I was falling hard. I had to let go of my own ideal - this picture I created in my head of what our family would look like and what I would be. I had to take a step back and admit that it was too much and that I needed help. That's hard to do.
Is your pride about something you love about yourself, or more about what you want to cover up?
This practice of humility has also helped me in my work life. As an entrepreneur, it can be tempting to try and stake my claim in every aspect of my business and assert control to protect my vision. However, I've learned to ask myself what my ultimate goal is in a given situation and whether it truly supports the larger goal of my business and our family.
Through this process, I've recognized that acknowledging my own emotions, even when they involve negative feelings such as hurt or anger, is paramount in fostering healthy relationships and business practices.
Our podcast strives to empower others to embrace the power of humility in their own lives. Whether it's admitting faults in relationships, recognizing and utilizing unique strengths, or simply prioritizing self-reflection and self-improvement, the benefits of this practice are immeasurable.
As I navigate the ups and downs of motherhood, marriage, entrepreneurship, and podcasting, I continue to turn towards the power of humility as a tool for growth and positive change in all aspects of my life.
Lessons Learned
Some big lessons I learned through this experience:
- Claim your role in the family - what your strengths are vs. your idea of what it should look like.
- Acknowledge your own emotions - it's okay to be hurt, to cry, to lose your temper, and not get it right all the time
- Apologize - own your role in affecting another - and truly ask for forgiveness for what you did, not how they feel. Take responsibility for all your actions and recognize the impact it has on another.
- Don't Hold onto your "right" - when you dig your heels in the sand and the fight becomes bigger than the person - is it really worth it?
I'm happy to say that now, in our home, these pride issues have gotten less and less. We have been guilty of all of them, and we've chosen to work through it together. Now, on the road, I am the primary income earner. I still manage my father's business as well as this company - Mama Says Namaste. Nathan is the head chef and also manages our properties. I may dabble here and there, but he said once we hit the road, he was happy to handle all the food, and I gratefully agreed. I'd say that was the right choice.
He has made incredible feasts, and he's also made the effort to work with our vegan preferences and learned a whole new way of cooking.
Really, though, what happened is not that we stuck to specific roles and just "stayed in our lane." Once we made the decision that we were a team and that our relationship came before pride, it was easier for us to work together - and ask for help when needed.
Our Challenge:
Where is pride holding you up in your relationship?
Has it isolated you into a role you'd like to get out of?
This is a wonderful reminder that communication is essential for relationships and that treating people the way they want to be treated is key.
We must acknowledge our own strengths and weaknesses, as well as our partners, and be willing to apologize, ask for forgiveness, and adapt accordingly.
Additionally, we must be aware of our intentions in situations and always strive for growth and self-reflection. It's important to recognize and appreciate your own unique gifts and strengths, even if they don't match traditional family expectations. Move forward with humility, humor, and the willingness to admit our faults and learn and grow from them in our relationships, and of course, recognize that the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us.
Namaste
Great post, Ashley! I love how you lay this all out!
I’ve mentioned that Jer and I didn’t really have the best role models at what a marriage and family should look like. This made growing up more difficult than it had to be. But has been a godsend in creating our life together. While we have somewhat traditional roles, it’s not black and white. Jer takes care of the yard work and does the dishes. I do most of the shopping a meal prep but am not afraid to step up and help haul 4000 pounds of compost into the garden beds. We’ve really learned to work as a team and make it flow.
While pride hasn’t gotten in the way of establishing our roles, we both can get stuck in the pride trap. Neither one of us is great at apologizing or admitting that we’re wrong. Something I’ve been working on.
I’ve been loving the podcast with you and Nathan talking through these things. Great reminder that we’re all human and I’m not the only one that screws it up!
Thanks for all that you do!