Is your family really your priority?
We spend a lot of time focusing on vision and mission statements for our businesses in dreams of accomplishing those goals where our family thrives. Yet how often do we actually stop and get intentional about what that truly means? What does it look like for your family to be thriving at home, and beyond?
What Happened To Family Connection?
In the business world, you hear all about vision/mission statements, strategy, and branding. We work hard to define the purpose behind our actions to help others understand our message and to keep us on track with our goals.
Not only do we get clear with our focus and ethos, in the business world it's perfectly justifiable to invest in those things that will increase sales and build our lists...even if it's "personal development", as we recognize the deeper value in the results it could bring out of us.
It all boils back to family, though...right? At least that's what we say.
Yet, do our actions convey that? Do we put the same amount of intention and investment into our families?
Or do we work hard outside of the home all to give them the support and "security" in the home?
If they aren't clear on what "safe" looks like, and little investment is made on intention, it may be your dreams for the home look vastly different than the reality you're drowning in today.
Think about how much time you actually spend with your family. Truly spending time with them - not focusing on the "to-do" list, running/cleaning/managing the household, coordinating schedules and/or planning for the future.
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What if you created a vision and mission for your family?
Have you looked at what resources would be powerful in your "personal development" as a parent, partner, or just in your own self-help? How are you building family connections?
You have a business vision - what about your FAMILY vision?
Do you have a family vision? We focus so much on business yet oftentimes never recognize the need for intention and planning with family. We coast through parenting reacting to the chaos of the moment, and never writing the story of what we really want our lives to look like. Is your work the place you focus? Or can you shift to that same drive and intention to create a family where everyone thrives?
Ages ago, I had a friend who put together a family vision course. We loved going through it, and it was a powerful catalyst for my family to go through and create our own family plan. What I love is that this pushed us to really sit down as a family and talk about what we envisioned for our home.
Don't just walk into your family blind and reacting. This is your opportunity to be intentional - to start with identifying and laying out what you want your family to be like.
If you cannot envision it, if you cannot speak it, how likely is it to become a reality?
When we first did our family vision, our daughters were 3, 7, and 9. As I come back to this and we air a podcast episode (above), they are now 11, 14, and 16. Every year we've gone back to this and asked these two questions:
Does our family vision need to change as we've grown?
Do we need to shift as we've fallen out of alignment?
It's amazing to me what has stayed strong and true, and how much our simple six words have set the trajectory for a beautiful life we've cultivated together.
What Are Your Non-Negotiables?
First, to get you started, it's easy to cross out what you don't want. We sat down and talked about what things are family is not. Hate, backbiting, disrespect, whining, negativity…these all made it in our “not welcome” list.
Sometimes, instead of starting from scratch to create something, look for what already resonates with your children. What little sayings do you have around your house – hung on a wall, or even just things you say?
If you don't know where to start, it's as simple as going to a TJ Maxx or other home store and looking at the pillows and wall art - the "family rules" people buy to lay around the house. Dream big, be patient, make memories together, forgive, laugh often, be kind... what resonates with your family? What speaks to your heart as something you crave to have in your home?
I love how, in this article, Carin lays out the "why" behind family connection:
Keeping your family connected matters because it’s what grounds us. The relationship between a parent and child is just like any other — it requires attention, and purpose and is hard work to maintain to avoid becoming passing ships. When you create a family, when you bring a life — or in my case, multiple lives — into the world, you have a responsibility to ensure that they are not just in the world, but that they understand how they belong to the world. And that connection starts at home. It starts in your family. It starts with you.
Put It Down On Paper
Again, when we first created this, we weren't gathering a think tank of business colleagues for a brainstorming session on our vision. The reality is we had three young kids with two of them not even reading and writing yet. This doesn't have to be overcomplicated - keep it simple.
We talked about what words inspire us and make us think of our family. We rolled out the butcher paper and drew pictures with the words and the things we love, like nature, travel, creativity, the people in our family, etc.
Make it fun. Talk with your partner about what is important to you in your family. Roll out the butcher paper and make a family picture of all that is important to you - no guidelines on what to do; simply ask your family to draw what they dream of for your family. See what develops, and what common themes you may find. Maybe they write down key words, or a doodle or family crest. Maybe they start listing places that are significant for your family.
You're creating a powerful time of family togetherness. Drawing, creating, and dreaming about the importance of family in your life is the first step in making space for intention in your home.
Then start to narrow it down. Think of words that come to mind and do a family word dump. Grab the ones that stand out most that everyone agrees on, and see what you come up with.
You may end up with a statement. Maybe it's a poem! Or even just a few words. The key is this: don't make your vision statement so elaborate you can't memorize it.
If you want this to be applied in your home, you're going to want to repeat it all the time. A fancy paragraph that stays stuck in the back of a desk drawer isn't going to be relevant.
Ours was simple. With small children, we wanted to keep it short and sweet - easy to remember for everyone. And now, after all these years, it still resonates beautifully in our home.
Here is what we laid out:
And Wait...There is More To The Story
I hate to break it to you - but simply laying out your family vision is not going to magically create an in-sync family where everyone stays connected and aware. True family connection is more than that.
How often have you:
- Saved the champagne, the fancy dress and the fine china for the special event.
- Had a fun activity in mind that you've never found the time for.
- Held on to a fancy candle, niche gadget or those bath salts for the time you "really" will use it and "need" it.
We can all be guilty of one-day mentality. We hold onto things for those special occasions...and yet I would then hear things like this:
- The food spoiled because I didn't get my act together to make that fancy dish.
- That fancy dress I was saving - my child has now outgrown before she wore it! (Or it's out of style, no longer fits me, etc)
- I'm tired of moving around all the fancy gadgets, bath salts, candles, etc that just collect dust and take up space - they need to be used or thrown out.
- I worked so hard through the years so I could provide for my family...so we could go on the fancy trips. And now...my children are gone and I didn't build the relationships when they were home. Now that I'm ready to spend time with them, they have moved on.
- My partner waited for me to finally get "in the mood" or sweep me away to do something just the two of us...and now, they are so distant we are lucky to even be roommates. (Or worse yet, they've moved on)
- Or this - we save our fancy things, our best behavior, or anything extravagant...for what? For whom?
Have you ever dressed up in your finest...just for a family dinner at home with the ones you love? Brought out the fine china and champagne, the cloth napkins and name cards...just for your immediate family?
Have you indulged in a fancy candlelit bath, complete with a chocolate treat and a good book, just on a regular Monday? Or, have you done this with your partner included...not on your honeymoon or romantic getaway, but a plain everyday night after the kids have gone to bed?
Every day is an opportunity for “special”. We can express gratitude, appreciation, respect and love on a daily basis. We can break away from the norm and go on an adventure (in our own backyard), eat at a fancy restaurant (that looks a lot like our own kitchen), and dress up like princesses every day.
We can bring the “one day” in more and more, and allow for each day to be whatever we make it.
Do you love and respect your family enough to make the effort to show up and show your best?
Love your family enough to get up, get dressed, and work to make today a great one. Yes, life happens and there are days when you need to just chill - especially with young kids in the home. Yet even in those days, it's all about how you frame it. I remember having days where I crammed too much in and we all were fried. And I had days where I decided it was a "pajama day" and we all took it easy, and enjoyed some pampering and vegging together. Just look at what becomes the norm and whether it's helping your family grow in who they are, or holding them back because it's checking out more than checking in.
If your family is worth putting your best foot forward, then get intentional about making the effort to do so. And this goes for everyone in the home, and gets more and more relevant as you have children entering into adulthood.
How are you not only writing the vision, but instilling into your family the worth of each person, and how much they mean to you?
Pay attention to how you show up and represent yourself in your home - that sets the basis for how your family will view you outside of it as well, and very much plays into the energy of your home.
Our Family Vision boils down to six words:
- Explore
- Respect
- Listen
- Connect
- Learn
- Love
Show love and respect for your family. Don't push for them to be perfect. None of us are. We're human, and we need each other. And the more we model love and respect - and self-worth - the more we instill these traits in our children...and create family connections.
Our Weekly Challenge:
This is your week to make it happen! Gather your family - and think of your family is all who is under your roof - the people who are "home" to you. How can you create an environment at home that cultivates a place you don't want to escape from? If "home" were the best recharge for you, what does that look like? For you, and for the rest of your family?
Dream together, and start looking at the common themes that are important. Get crafty - doodle thoughts and ideas, create a vision board, or look for some other creative way to present your family vision. I had a coaching client that made hers into a beautiful collaborative family canvas they put on their wall, and it inspired us to do the same!
Explore, respect, listen, connect, learn and love. It means so much to me and yet is so simple. The more we work together to get intentional about creating that world we thrive in, the more we can recognize how the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us.
Want to dig deeper as a family and learn how to better communicate? My DISCovering You course walks you through understanding how different behaviors elicit different reactions, and how to navigate being true to who you are while learning how to best connect with others.
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Derek,
Thanks for calling this to my attention. We used to have a video series and this linked to my friend’s course. However, the link isn’t working, and your comment here has prompted me to take my video series, update it, and share it as a course! So stay tuned – this page will be updated and a new mini-course will be available very soon!
Hey Ashley. Great post.
Is the link for the Create a Family Vision course correct?? It wouldn’t work for me.