Laughter, Humble Pie and Lots of Sex Part 2
Tip #4:"Growability" is a Powerful Thing
"Growability" is Nathan's invented word. I like it - it fits. Essentially, don't just admit when you're wrong...grow from it. One of the lines from our family creed states:
"We believe in the power of forgiveness to heal and in love to carry us through."
It may sound trite, but there are two parts to humility - admitting when you are wrong, and admitting when you are hurt.
Don't be a brick wall.
Don't deny the negative feelings any more than you do the positive.
Humble yourself to learn something.
It's amazing what it does for opening up the lines of communication and trust in a relationship.
I remember a moment in our marriage a few years ago when we were having an argument about a pretty heated topic.
He was interested in going to a shooting range and I have an intense hatred of guns. However, I love him and saw a Groupon for it. I shot a snide email over with the link; my distaste pretty apparent.
I do NOT like this, and I do NOT agree that it is a good thing to do. However, if you are going to push it, I don't want to pay $100 when we could pay $50. [insert groupon for $50 class at a gunshooting range].
Instead of firing back with something, Nathan called me out on it. His response?
I would like you to start being a bit more intentional about your criticism of things. This is not a healthy way for you to express your distaste for this process nor is it one that promotes open dialog between us. I would rather you approach something like this, or anything else in our lives, with a bit less confrontation and a bit more respect and tact.
To send me an email like this at 6:11 with me sitting 20 feet away from you is a bit frustrating to me and turns me off from wanting to have any reasonable debate around how valid, or poignant your point is on this issue. You have put me on the defensive and that is not a way to express your opinion to me or anyone else for that matter.
I love you, and I know you are stressed out right now, and this is a wonderful opportunity for you to check your personality style and see how you can become a better communicator with others rather then irrationally reacting to anything that pushes your buttons.
Aye, Yi Yi. Way to Push Back.
Yes, this could sure as heck have started us off on a bitter battle that could get nasty quickly. I wanted to really bite back and go off on him. Not only could I retaliate, but wow, when it's in writing it can really pack a vicious punch with visible proof.
I'm notorious for being able to turn anything around so the blame is on someone else while I'm sweetly innocent. I definitely have the power to come across as an überbitch, and he was right. So I asked myself, "What is my goal?" Touché.
So without further ado, my response was a major dose of humble pie:
Keep me in check. Keep challenging me, and don't let me be the bitch I can be. I don't like myself then, either. I love you more than I can ever express.
I have to say, this moment was pretty pivotal in opening the door to us learning and growing together, in being a team, and in sharing a deeper connection than we ever had before.
A good dose of humble pie makes for a healthy relationship
Make sure you never let your ego take precedence over your connection with others. We have the ability to learn so much - to be a better person, by being open to learn from those moments of disconnect and embracing the opportunity to learn to love better instead of having our ego shut it down.