by Ashley Logsdon

Laughter, Humble Pie and Lots of Sex Part 3

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If you just stumbled on this, you're reading part 3 of my "Laughter, Humble Pie & Lots of Sex" series. 

You can check out the rest here:

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make love not war

Tip #5: Make Love, Not War!

Warning. This will be oversharing. As you know already, I'm a bit of an open book.  So open, in fact, that when asked in a podcast interview "what have you done consistently for the past three years," the first response from both Nathan and I was "make love".  Check out the whole 12 minute conversation here.

We have sex a lot. I'm not sure what the average is for most committed couples (at best the guess is about 1-2 times/week), but in 2010 we took our typical every other day and upped the ante to a 365 day challenge. Yes, sex 365 times that year. Notice I didn't say days. Some days we were extra frisky and others we needed a little more sleep (reminder, at that point I had just had my second baby in October '09). Maybe I should repeat that. We had sex a LOT...and had a brand new baby and a toddler in the house.

We're coming up on a decade of this now, with another baby added to the mix in 2012. So of course the next question is "yes, but are you even close to that now?" My answer is a resounding "hell yeah!"

We don't put dots on the calendar anymore. We don't fill up a quarters jar. We don't record at all. We simply have this as much a part of our lives as showering and brushing our teeth.

Not that it's at all routine - think about the habits we add in that are so, so pivotal to our lives that we feel amiss when we don't do it. Yoga, meditation, daily devotions, exercise, something that is for us that makes both of us feel incredible.

So, other than the fact that it feels good, why all the sex? We all know that most ladies are not quite as horny as the menfolk, and I'm no exception.  I don't believe in doing this because "wives should submit to their husbands".

But I do have sex even when I'm not in the mood.  This is not just about succumbing to Nathan or forcing myself to give in.  

People, tell me one person who is always "in the mood" to exercise.  Do you do it anyway?  Why?  Because you know it's good for your health!  

At this point even Nathan could claim being oversexed for some of those first years (remember, I'm a high D and can be a bit competitive with my goals).

Physical intimacy can open the door to even deeper emotional intimacy

This is a loaded statement, I know. And...there are times when the talking needs to stop. When you are in a fight and you simply reach out and hold a hand, you can experience an instant diffuser.

Physical touch, when done in pure openness and love, can bridge a connection even if you are at an impasse in the relationship. Sometimes, words are too much. Sometimes, you simply need to touch.

Sometimes, instead of digesting and analyzing every emotion, you've got to stop the mind from everything that's happened in the past...and you simply need to touch. Don't talk. Touch.

You can't build up hatred and frustration and make love to that person every night. You can't build up a brick wall and not break that down when you are literally, physically naked in front of them. You can't, day after day, act indifferent when you physically are at your most vulnerable every night.

Let me say one more thing about this - we all carry our own baggage into a relationship. Sex is a sensitive topic, and one that can carry a ton of weight. Add in any sexual trauma from the past, physical trauma (aka childbirth for many mamas), emotional trauma...and the last thing we want to do is offer up our bodies, especially if we feel emotionally distant.

Sometimes, you get stuck in the ole' chicken or the egg: he wants sex because he feels distant, she wants emotional connection because she feels distant. Who gives?

There is no easy answer here. Each couple has to take their own path. Each couple has to give. And the crazy thing is, when both of you are looking for what positive thing you can give to the relationship, it doesn't become about who wins or who takes - the focus becomes on the changes we are in control of; how we can best reach out and love the other. When you choose to honor and love your partner in the way they need it, and you are both choosing to do that, it becomes about the deeper connection and you both become fulfilled.

You have to be intentional. You have to get out of your comfort zone. You have to ask yourself what is more important.

There are always excuses, always circumstances that come up, always, always, something that is not perfect. If you only wait for the perfect tropical sunset, all children to be sweetly sleeping in their beds, and the house in immaculate condition, your sexy night may never happen.

What do you need to make this a regular practice? What best gets you in the mood - a romantic movie, a massage, a bath?  What can you prioritize in your daily, weekly routine so you make time for some intimacy in your relationship?

 We don't allow it to be routine. It has become a habit. Our nightly ritual; our sleeping pill. We look at things like yoga, meditation and exercise to keep us physically and emotionally fit - sex keeps our marriage fit. I say alone doesn't do it - it's sex combined with open communication, honesty, respect, humility, and (ha) teamwork.

Tip #6: Laugh, Laugh, and Laugh some More

If all else is going to hell in a handbasket, and life hands you a ton of lemons, sometimes you just need to say "Fagedaboutit" and toss in some humor.

Have a good laugh. Be silly. Be goofy. Flirt, tease, and tickle each other. Act like a kid and chase each other around.

One night recently the kids were shocked to sneak out of their beds and find us out jumping on the trampoline, laughing and trying to see who could bounce higher. It was a stressful day and we just needed to be silly. 

Yep, this was our first birth announcement - a little "bun in the oven"!

They actually ended up jumping with us, and while we didn't win any awards for consistent discipline that night, we created a really special family memory full of cuddling and giggling and genuinely loving on each other.

I have a tendency to take life way too seriously. If I could narrow down one key thing Nathan does for me on a regular basis, it's that he makes me laugh. He reminds me that life can be fun - to take in the moment and just enjoy it. And if it gets too heavy, let go and simply laugh. Laughter really is the best medicine in so many situations.

So, Nathan, here is to you and me making all of these non-negotiable in our marriage. Here is to you teaching me to laugh, to let go, to love and to allow myself to fully be loved, naked and vulnerable in all my glory.

You connect to my soul, you challenge my thinking, you speak to my heart and you serve me selflessly. I am a better woman, mother and friend because of you.  

I look at you, our high-energy life that is wonderfully ours, and I thank God we are on this ride together. It's you and me, babe, and we make the decision every day to create the life - and marriage - that makes us closer, opens us up, and allows love to radiate out of our own walls into the lives of others.  

I challenge each and every one of you to make these tips a priority in your own relationship.  Add in your own tips in the comments, or share with me what's holding you back.  Live, learn, and above all, love.

Listen to Nathan and I hash out the "Laughter, Humble Pie & Lots of Sex" series on the Mama Says Namaste Podcast!

What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate! (Episode 8)
The first in a new series, we dive deep into the wonderful topic of intimate relationships. It’s time for a[...]
Fighting Toward a Win-Win (Episode 9)
How to add respect and love to your disagreements Listen to this episode on iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play, TuneIn, YouTube,[...]
Growability and a Big Dose of Humble Pie (Episode 10)
You are only a genius…today   This is the second series on the Mama Says Namaste Podcast with my most[...]
Relationships: How Do You Play That Game? (Episode 11)
Your Voice In The Symphony of Marriage - This is the second series on the Mama Says Namaste Podcast with[...]
On Getting Lost, Laughter, and the Wisdom of Dr. Dre (Episode 12)
Bring some fun and play back into your life! This is the second series on the Mama Says Namaste Podcast[...]
Time Waits For No One (Episode 13)
If our time is a reflection of what is most important to us, what does it say about you?  [...]

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About the author, Ashley Logsdon


Ashley Logsdon is a Family and Personality Styles Coach and Lifelong Learner. She and her husband Nathan are RVing the States and unschooling their 3 girls. Her mission is to shift the mindsets of families from reaction to intention, and guide them in creating the family they love coming home to. Looking deeper than the surface, we assess the strengths, triggers, and simplifying your lifestyle so you truly recognize how the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us.

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  1. Oh that’s such a fun idea! I would so love to do that. We’re going to be doing all kinds of brainstorming as we hit the road this fall. Thanks for reading and commenting!

  2. Thanks! Yeah, that little epiphany came to me when I was writing this – I mean, who actually gets completely amped up and “in the mood” to exercise every day! And here we have an “exercise” that burns all kinds of calories, really gets you moving, doesn’t have to take an hour, and gives you an adrenaline rush after (speaking more to the ladies on that last one). I mean SERIOUSLY. This is so much more awesome than exercise, which we force ourselves to do all the time!

  3. Yes, embrace it!! Sex is beautiful, wonderful, and something to be honored and open in an intimate relationship! That was a huge eye-opener to me when Nathan challenged me on my anti-sex super-Christian campaign – making sex this sinful thing where you shut out sex and lust and anything like that until poof – one day when wedding bells sing and you are now supposed to flip the switch and be a secret submissive sex-kitten in bed. Riiiiiiight. And we wonder why people have such a skewed mentality around it. So….we all poop, we fart, we have sex, and we sometimes snort when we laugh. It’s OKAY. And normal. And can be beautiful (leaning more toward the sex vs. pooping thing there). So many topics that just aren’t discussed, and then create chasms between us where everyone is lost b/c no one will talk about it!

  4. I love you and your sweet family! All three blogs were very well done. Solid advice. I think you should teach a seminar, on these tips, to soon-to-be married folks and people who are in committed relationships. Thank you for being an open book.

  5. Brilliant. Love it. Thanks for oversharing. Really appreciate, “People, tell me one person who is always “in the mood” to exercise. Do you do it anyway? Why? Because you know it’s good for your health!” And, “We do it because sometimes physical intimacy opens the door for emotional intimacy.”


  6. Wow, Ashley. You really did some serious cow tipping here! I think it is awesome. I’m the tail end of the baby boomers and this was definitely an off-limits topic. Coupled with my Catholic upbringing – ooooooh, doggies! Make my glas of shame a double please, Mr. Bartender.

    Thank you for helping me in my journey to learn to embrace ALL aspects of marriage. And myself.


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