On the blog "Confessions of a Terrible Husband," Nick Pavlidis shared about how to have an argument-free marriage. My first inclination is that a marriage without disagreements isn't a very deep one. However...I then read deeper into it and realized that the issue at hand is not about disagreeing - it's about the word "argument".
If you look up the definition, it says this:
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ar·gu·ment ˈärɡyəmənt/
noun
an exchange of diverging or opposite views, typically a heated or angry one.
a reason or set of reasons given with the aim of persuading others that an action or idea is right or wrong.
Well, that does it. I sure don't want to argue in my household. What that states is there is clearly a win-lose situation. An argument is closed; a discussion is not.
When you discuss, you exchange views and opinions while flowing back and forth in conversation. You allow for insights and growth, and it is a two-way street.
An argument, however, might as well be, because in an argument, you are simply fighting for your case, not necessarily hearing anything else (or the wrong side, since we all know when we argue, we are the correct one...or is that just me?)
In my work with helping families connect with one another in deeper ways, I focus a lot on understanding personality styles and how the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us.
Understanding how we are all uniquely wired is a critical component in figuring out how to communicate in a way that the other person can resonate with. For example, although I am happy to just get to the end result and "fix it," my husband wants to talk it out a bit. His healing and understanding is more due to the process of me listening and investing in him enough to hear him out vs. just jumping to the magic pill solution.
So, How Do We Approach Discussions?
- 1Remember what makes them tick. I love the Namaste Personality Snapshots and share about the gifts and fears of each style. When we play on a fear a person has, they immediately go on the defensive. Any strength, when overused, can trigger a negative reactive behavior. And when you do or say something that triggers a fear, like a loss of security, criticism, or they feel like they are taken advantage of, then you will see their weaknesses rear their ugly heads in a way that definitely creates a losing battle. We all have ways in which we are motivated - positively and negatively. The more you openly discuss this with your spouse, and learn what shuts them down or gets them riled up, the more you are equipped to communicate in a way that heals instead of hurts.
- 2When you feel so mad, that you want to ROAR... My sweet daughter Ellie did a video on how to deal with being mad, and the song is super catchy and an easy practice for all of us. Major kudos to Daniel Tiger for teaching my girls some excellent tools for dealing with daily life issues. Bottom line, if you are angry enough to say something you will regret, take a step back and a deep breath in. Don't run away from a fight. Simply communicate that you need a breather to think clearly, and commit to coming back to a discussion instead. Our feelings are powerful and fully valid. Yet when we want to communicate our feelings to others, we need to allow for a balance between heart and head and use some wisdom with how to communicate them in a way that doesn't attack.
- 3Take center stage, and own it. After you take that breather, allow for a moment to speak your peace, and let your spouse do the same. Don't monologue it out, and don't attack.
- 4Explain what you feel; not what they did. Explain your own emotions without playing the blame game. And then, shut up and let them do the same without defending anything. Remember that you have no power over someone's feelings. Regardless of what emotions are brought up, you can share your feelings, and then make a conscious decision on whether you are going to allow those feelings to foster negativity or growth in your life. Feel it, voice it, and let it go. Choose to grow.
- 5Reach out and touch each other. When you feel emotionally distant, your body language will reflect it. It is hard to feel emotionally distant when you physically connect on a daily basis. When you make the physical effort to put down that wall, it's amazing how much it works on your heart as well. Don't stay on the defensive, but meet in the middle. Hold hands. While you work through the feelings going on within, make an effort to physically feel your spouse as well. Hold hands, play footsie, start and end with a hug (or something more....nothing like some make-up sex to really seal the connection!)
Disagreements should be a part of a marriage.
It shows that you have two people with independent minds in the relationship.
Growth comes from being able to learn something other than what we think in our own heads anyway!
On the wall in our kitchen I have scrawled this quote from the Dalai Lama.
Feel free to disagree. But please, don't let it become an argument.
What tools do you use to keep heated conversations from erupting into a forest fire?
This is the final post in the marriage series. Read them all here:
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Yes, Yes, Yes! The moment someone says “you” is the moment it feels like an attack.
You hit the nail on the head with fears . I have a new perspective on what triggers both of us. Very good stuff.
So glad you enjoyed it, Holly! It’s so critical to keep in mind that you are in control of your feelings alone – being open and honest about how YOU feel vs. what THEY did really helps to keep it from being an attack. And, the most powerful element I’ve found for helping conflict is in understanding each personality styles’ triggers – what the fears are that will bring out the worst part of themselves. Just acknowledging and respecting that is so huge!
This is wonderful!!!
It can be difficult to focus on what makes them tick when things get heated, especially if you’re perfect opposites, which my husband and I are. You inspired me to do a little reflecting on my husband’s fears and motivators. Keeping these points in mind will prevent a discussion from turning into an argument.
Thank you for this. 🙂