Family Life Sucks
Have you ever uttered those words - "my life sucks"? We've all had our moments of feeling overwhelmed, unhappy, and wanting to get away. 2016 was a tough one for my family. I had too many irons in the fire. There was emotional upheaval as family dynamics changed, trying to navigate the needs of our children, parents, and siblings all while juggling multiple jobs and preparing for RVing the states. It sucked. Royally.
There were elements where I questioned what else could go wrong. Why was it all hitting me at once? Why can't we "a la carte" the drama and just process through one thing at a time? Why do I have to go and get shingles on top of it all? Balance is a hard thing, especially when you're trying to balance seventeen things at once, and fifteen of them really suck. My mother hates that word, but I feel like it speaks truth.
When something sucks, it isn't just a pain, it starts to pull something out of you. It zaps your energy. You feel overwhelmed. You may start to shut down to prevent anything else from being sucked out.
Because if it keeps sucking, it will take the good, the bad, and the ugly out with it.
Just like a vacuum sucks everything up, going through the not-so-great moments sucks all the emotions. If you allow for it, the ones that help you process - love, awareness, openness, gratitude - those will rise to the surface as well.
Maybe what we really need is a full suck - a deep cleanse to pull it all out in the open. Open up the vacuum and pull through all the frustration of what is going on in the present moment and reach beyond that to find the peace way down in your soul that allows you to just process through.
When things don't go as hoped, my mother's dear friend Gail loves to say, "What does this make possible?"
Think about that - when life throws you lemons, typically our response is how hurt we are from the impact. But what did it make possible?
A literal example happened last week - my daughter found a lemon tree and immediately proceeded to fill a huge bag and bring them into our tiny little trailer.
Living with 5 people and a 65 pound dog in a 240 square foot trailer is no small task. There isn't space for more than one person to pass at a time, much less a huge bag of lemons. I tripped over that bag so many times, and the side ripped out and lemons erupted everywhere on the floor. I'm finding lemons all over our home.
But...what has this made possible?
The girls have made amazing fresh squeezed lemonade. Nathan made lemon pepper flounder that was incredible. And we even made some incredible cocktails with fresh squeezed lemons. What it made possible was all kinds of culinary treats that made me stumbling over lemons on the floor worth it.
There is something even more powerful about the inconveniences and frustrations in our lives. I love what Pema says here:
“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know…nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. Perhaps there is no solid obstacle except our own need to protect ourselves from being touched. Maybe the only enemy is that we don’t like the way reality is now and therefore wish it would go away fast.
But what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.
If we run a hundred miles an hour to the other end of the continent in order to get away from the obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive.
It just keeps returning with new names, forms, manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves.”
~ Pema Chödrön
This is so beautiful to me - what lesson can we learn? What is a pattern you see repeating itself in your own life?
Sometimes stepping out of the chaos is good, and I do believe physical space is necessary to process the emotions. However, when the same issues keep rising up, what lesson is there for you? What does it make possible?
I've learned that life will always have lemons. I can't simply barrel through with my head down until it's past me. I can't live life where I'm trying to "just get through this." What can I learn? What has been made possible? I'm thankful for the sucky moments of my life - because they have helped to craft the person I am now, and the path I am on. And for that, I'm eternally grateful.
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That’s rough, for sure. I can understand how it can be hard to see the light sometimes when there is tension in the house. The article you shared has some legitimate help in the tips at the end of it. I’d encourage you to really look through that and see what your best next step is. What your family doesn’t know, they can’t work on – so first it’s being open and honest about where you’re at, and getting real with whether it can go on like that, and who wants to do anything about it. After that, it’s getting the help you need – either together or as individuals, to find a new way of being together, or setting the boundaries that allow more peace in your familial connection. It can be really difficult when you feel helpless and/or overwhelmed – so take a deep breath. Get real with what you want-for yourself and your family, and be honest with them about it. Take it one step at a time, and allow the answers to unfold along the way versus trying to find one solution for it all right in the moment. Sending good vibes your way!
Wow, RVing the states….sounds awesome! And, yes, shingles sucks! I have a sister-in-law that had it. She struggled for a while and the pain was horrible. I really love that life lesson, “nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. ” Strange how it seems like we’re always falling, though, in a never ending “rabbit hole”. There’s no Wonderland at the end (frown).
It’s been such a roller coaster ride these last few years with my family: married with children (a newly college grad; one in college, my youngest in high school, and my loving wife who counters my every decision both with the children and the finances). I can’t help but to sometimes feel that my family sucks! Or, maybe I’m the odd ball?! Living in a big city, NYC, also takes its toll on one, not to mention that COVID is still lurking around every corner. Let’s not forget riding on mass transit with everything that happens in this wonderful city of ours (smirk). But yeah, most times it feels “life sucks!” I feel I don’t have a say in my family though I pay most of the bills being that I’m the “bread winner/head of household”. I sleep on the floor most nights – lack of affordable apartments in NYC and yes, “rent is too damn high!” My wife and I opted in giving the kids the bedrooms in this 2 bedroom apartment. As Courage from ‘Courage, the Cowardly Dog’ would say, “the things we do for love” – LOL!
We – the kids, my wife and I – argue at least once a week, usually differences in opinion ranging from parenting/rearing arguments, to waking up in the morning, doing homework/chores, bathroom privileges and usage time, use of electronics and social media, etc. I made a new year’s resolution to keep quiet and just mind my business but sometimes it gets really crazy – shouting matches, some parental bullying. It’s hard to just sit and watch as things progressively get worse. Not sure what to do. I’d hate to leave but, did I mention, I had a stroke just last year? I love my family and I live/work for them (it’s all I ever dreamed of) but it just feels the darkness dominates our world more than does the light. Help!!!!
FYI, I found this article on line, https://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/05/12-ways-to-deal-with-a-toxic-familyfamily-member/
What do you think?
Thank you.
That’s awesome – thanks for sharing! Yes, shingles is awful. Right after that I got poison ivy so bad on my arms that I actually thought it was worse than the shingles because of all the itching!
We all have our stories, and it’s all relative. You are right that even for those who don’t have the drama, the monotony of daily life can be just as taxing. I’m all for making sure there is always something to look forward to and try to challenge myself to do things differently when things get to be boring. Knowing I have a trip coming up is one way, and another to ensure I’m still in the moment is doing little things, like sleeping on the opposite side of the bed, having a reverse day where you start with dinner and end with breakfast, playing tourist, going to a new place or restaurant, etc.
Peaks and valleys are vital to truly living- love it!
Interesting how we can perceive other peoples lives as being great while we may think our own lives kind of suck. I wouldn’t have thought you struggled with anything but that is a lesson I am still learning; we are all human doing the best we can and we all have our struggles.
I had shingles about a year after I quit drinking. It was the worst pain ever. I think it was caused by stress. Drinking helped me deal with stress and once I quit I didn’t have a way to deal with it. The pain of shingles was so bad and I remember it so well (the doctor gave me some powerful pain pills that helped) that I remember to calm down when I get to anxious, because I do not want to go through that pain again.
So shingles taught me something but so did the struggles I’ve been through. I’ve learned I can take it; I’ve been through the crucible. If a fire took everything I had I would be stronger. When stuff hits the fan and there is only one way out, I can rise to the challenge. I’m at my best in a crisis. It’s the normal, boring routine of daily life that gets me now.
Thanks for sharing this. For some reason I can relate to peoples’ struggles more than I can their success’s. I guess because it lets me know they are human and alive. I think our lives should be like and EKG monitor-up and down, up and down, peaks and valleys. You don’t want a flat line in life or on an EKG monitor. You all rock and I love following your great adventure!