Emotional Labor – Who Takes Care of What? (Episode 175)

What "Invisible work" is bogging you down?

What, Exactly, is Emotional Labor?

It's not just taking kids to soccer practice; it's getting them in the soccer league best suited for them, getting their uniforms and making sure they are clean and accounted for, showing up at games, practice, coordinating carpools, and navigating the emotional lessons of loss and sportsmanship that may come along with it. 

Fixed Vs. Growth Mindsets

We can definitely come to our family with default settings. We tend to look to our childhood and either replicate it or go to the opposite extreme. So a biggie for us is to really address whether we're coming at life from a fixed - or growth - mindset. 

Wikepedia states, "In decision theory and general systems theory, a mindset is a set of assumptions, methods, or notions held by one or more people or groups of people. A mindset can also be seen as arising out of a person's world view or philosophy of life."

Over 30 years ago, Dr. Carol Dweck and her colleagues started to pay attention to students' attitudes about failure. It seemed like some students exhibited great emotional resilience and would keep moving forward no matter what, while others seemed devastated and crippled by even the tiniest of setbacks. Dr. Dweck set out to research the behavior of thousands of children, and she coined the terms "Fixed mindset" and "growth mindset" to describe the underlying beliefs people have about their learning and intelligence. When the students truly believed they could get smarter, the simple focus and effort actually helped them learn more. The higher their teachability, the more likely they were to succeed. 

Work Together

Get Out Of The Way 

Pay Attention To Semantics

There is a big difference between, "will you get off my back?" vs "it sounds like this is more important to you, so would you like to take it over?"

Can you convey something to your partner without accusation or attack? Own your own feelings and steer clear of controlling another. If you're having a hard time explaining your desires or a process, simply ask them to observe your world for a minute and show them the process. Allow them to step into your world to see your perspective...and give them the grace and respect to do the same.

In this article, Hartley shared,

"I was really micro managing my husband. Even when I was writing this book I was figuring out how to strike this balance. So, I was standing over his shoulder trying to tell him how to do everything as he’s taking it on. And it didn’t work at all. Looking back, it’s obvious why it didn’t because he felt like he was never going to be able to live up to my standards. And once I sort of backed off and let him gain that confidence on his own, it was just shocking to me that I had held him back for so long from being a really fully involved member of our family, and for being a really involved parent."

Do you trust, respect and value the impact your partner has on your life? Are you able to trust, respect and value the impact they could have on your child's life?

Our lives are precious. Do you truly know what all your partner carries in your household so you could step up and cover for it if they were gone tomorrow?

The Drunk Monkey

Fear is that nasty thing that can cripple or separate...or maybe it can snap your attention to what is truly important. Be careful on whether the "drunk monkey" is holding you back. 

In the scope of life, does your relationship with another in the home need to be grounded on the one little thing they didn't do...or the step closer to hearing you that they did do?

Remember these four key components:

1. Address a growth mindset

What is this? It's the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed - it never stops beyond your own limiting beliefs.

"I never want to stop growing. I'm grateful for the person I am now that has grown from five years ago, and I'm eager to meet the person I will be five years from today." 

2. Work Together

 Are you working together...or is your pride leading your decisions?

Go back to your goal as a family, and how you want to work together as a team. Pick your battles. Not every single thing needs to be nit-picked.

3. Trust Each other to have individual relationships

 If you want the other parent to be involved, get out of the way. Are you trusting that they can have their own unique relationship that looks different than yours? Or are you micromanaging how they are "supposed" to parent?

4. Know ALL the elements of running your household

Our lives are precious. Even if we settle into our own roles in a household, do you know how to handle the others if that person were to be gone tomorrow? Not only does this help everyone involved, but it creates way more empathy for all the roles.

We cannot understand what we don't know - empathy, and finding that similar emotional connection - makes things personal. And when it's personal, you find a way to really pay attention. Remember where your greatest light is, and how the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us. 

 Namaste