Self-Love, or Self-Sabotage? (Episode 152)
So much of my coaching focuses on the relationships we have with others...however, at the core of it all, is our relationship with ourself. How are you doing when it comes to self-love? Are you loving yourself well and celebrating the beauty within, or are you stuck in self-sabotage and stuck in a spiral not of self-love, but self-hate?
If you cannot love yourself, can someone else really do it for you?
5 Self-Sabotaging Habits we Adopt Due to Lack of Self Love
How often do we spend the time to really work on self-love? Nathan and I started out our podcast episode talking about how we don't necessarily instill this concept into our children, or focus on this "self-love" concept.
I mean, kids believe they're the center of the universe and naturally are in love with themselves, right? Well...are they, really? Even when it comes to religion, how many religions focus on self-love vs. selflessness and martyrdom?
I read this article on the 5 Self-Sabotaging Habits We Adopt Due To Lack Of Self-Love, and it was the inspiration for this post and episode.
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Do we tend to simply focus on the negativity? Here is straight from the article above:
Love is everywhere. It is present in our environment, just like air. Love, Joy, Anger, Hatred, Annoyance, Greed, Jealousy, Happiness, and Peace. All of these emotions already exist within us. However, we are drawn towards a negative state of emotion more naturally than positive ones.
One reason to pick up a negative emotion faster is it seems to be real. Positive looks superficial, out of touch, and involves a lot of inner work and soul searching. More-so, when it applies to us, we are aware of our history, background, childhood traumas, and failures. We always have a well-formulated recipe to validate our actions by the opinion of others, which can be disastrous.
The state of self-pity is easier to believe in and is weirdly comforting. And that is why it’s hard to convince ourselves to feel more lovable, happy, abundant, and successful. These negative emotions become our excuses, leading to further setbacks.
What's the point of owning that priceless car if you're just going to wreck it?
Be careful about falling into a martyr role, or getting trapped in excuses as to why you cannot take the time to love and care for yourself. Do you really allow for rest and self-love, or do you work yourself to the grindstone with no relief?
SElf-Love, not Sabotage
Don't perpetuate the cycle by justifications and "reasons why". It's okay to simply say it's because you need to take a break, you're running yourself too hard, or whatever other reason is needed to allow you to recharge. Just like we discussed in the previous episode, don't get lost in justification when you are setting boundaries about your own life and well-being.
Maybe it's not about having the reason why. Sometimes we can spend a whole lot of time in our lives just trying to dig up our "reasons why" just so you have that justifiable pile of "yuck" that allows you to stay in this condition.
The reason why we shine our "pile of yuck" at people is often because we don't love ourselves enough to look at it truly on our own.
Wow - do you need someone else to let you know it's okay?
Can you look at your own "yuck", knowing every person has their own setbacks, limiting beliefs, stories from their past, and more?
Do you have the self-love to address what isn't the fun stuff, to choose what you want to move forward with, and love yourself enough to let go of that which holds you down?
Are you sharing your "badges of pain"...or the greatness you're excited to rise up into?
Where are you on Maslow's "hierarchy of needs?" Can you move past basic survival to looking at "Who am I? Why am I here? Who do I want to be in this process?"
Are your basic needs met, but you haven't addressed all the elements that are still a part of who you are? Physical safety is a necessity before you can have love and belonging.
So if you take this a step further, though, emotional safety - do you have your emotional needs met...before you look beyond yourself to someone else?
Are we paying attention to our own emotional health and modeling the importance of our mental and emotional well-being to our children, or simply looking at the physical needs?
This can be a big self-sabotaging habit - as we lack on our own self-love, we just put it off and avoid having to address it. In discussing the personality styles, some have more tendency to procrastinate...or avoid. When you feel overwhelmed, out of sync with who you are, or are struggling with insecurity, this is a classic response. If you aren't feeling security in who you are, shutting down, avoiding, procrastinating are all trigger reactions to a fear response.
If you're already lacking in self-love, a default approach may be to look for everyone else to give it to them. Again, going to personality styles, a high I personality style fears rejection - so may go to the other extreme of being in your face - "If everyone else accepts me...THEN I'll be able to love myself."
We have different personality styles, and different fears: fear of losing control, rejection, loss of security, criticism...
When these are triggered, your self-love can spiral downward.
You may seek outside of yourself to find fulfillment and affirmation when, ultimately, you're really looking for someone to point out the strengths you already have within.
Toxic Relationships and Depression
We can create a toxic stew of our inadequacies and low self-worth. It can become a comparison trap of who has the worst life - the biggest "holy terror" children, the worst jerk of a spouse, etc.
Author Jim Rohn said, "you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with." The groupthink mentality is legit. You will be influenced by the people you are with the most, so think about whether they are lifting you up, bringing - or tearing- you down.
Be careful about making self-love a power play. This isn't manipulation - that is toxic. Self love is about addressing, "is the direction we're going the way we want to?"
Your shadow may be a part of you. It may even follow you around. But it isn't you. It isn't even a reflection of you. It follows your lead. Is your shadow calling the shots in your life, or letting you drive?
SElf-love. Don't Self-Loathe.
Avoid the "bottomless pit of comparison". I have shared this little instagram post I stumbled on so many times lately. I love what she says - three things in particular.
- Don't be so focused on another that you lose sight of what you have.
- Recognize that timing is everything - your timing is completely different than another's
- It may be you're not comparing apples to apples. Maybe you're comparing something that isn't even what you really want. Think about it - do you really want that life of another? That other person's job, spouse, vacation? Does it really fit YOU perfectly?
Some additional resources for you
- Feeling Stuck? Go to Byron Katie's "The Work"
- Do you have a Child-Centered home?
- Over Commitment: How (and why) to Say NO! (Episode 151)
- How to Eliminate Toxicity and Thrive with Organic Relationships
- Are Your Relationships Organic…or Toxic?
- TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT THEM (EPISODE 57)
- 5 Tips for Difficult Conversations You Want to Avoid (Episode 82)
- When Routines Are Off And Expectations Are High (Episode 83)
- 6 Tips on Navigating Criticism
- What is a DISC Personality Snapshot?
Your Weekly Challenge:
Own your emotions and who you are. You are beautifully you. You are powerful beyond measure. You are beautifully created as a true miracle of life.
Don't wait for an invitation to be you.
More than anything else, practice gratitude for what is. If you aren't quite there with self-love, start outward on what you're grateful for around you. Ultimately, be grateful that you notice and appreciate those things, and start loving that gratitude. Be grateful for your own awareness in that moment. And that is a step closer to self-love.