High S Insights

S high-processing personalities love the comfort of stability. When their security and safety is challenged, it triggers their fears of instability, and you may see more reactive behavior. When an S faces great change and/or unpredictability, what happens is a direct antithesis of what you know as a nurturing S. All of a sudden, labels like lazy, indifferent, apathetic and uncaring come out. They need to recharge by unplugging...and under pressure, that can be extreme.  

Envision the poor mama with a filthy house and kids, who is so overwhelmed she simply gave up trying. Or the teenager who holes up in his room and just sleeps the days away, barely coming out. You wonder how they can sleep so much, and it may be a sign of stress, not exhaustion. How about the overweight individual who can't pinpoint their emotion, but simply feels better when they eat - another survival mechanism that takes them away from the emotions they may be feeling inside. Overeating, sleeping all the time, avoiding life (bills, emails, etc) are all symptoms of a high S under pressure.

So what then, do you do to get out of it? Where do Ss thrive? In their connection with others!  An S doesn't need a party; they need a friend to confide in and know they are safe. They don't need an award and big recognition; they need love and affirmation from their close circle of friends and family. They need time to process and to get support for their feelings.

Our daughter Juliet, while clearly a high D in many ways, also has S tendencies. With a combination of D, I and S styles, her high processing S tends to come in a super emotional outburst. Here is a story of her at two that highlights that extreme.

Real Life Example #1

My just two-year-old started to get the gimmies in the grocery store, like all normal kids. She wouldn't quit protesting and started to squirm. In my sheer act of desperation for the mounting temper tantrum I felt erupting out of her, I squeezed her leg and told her "That is enough"  in her ear.  And, holy cow, you would have thought I slapped her across the face. 

Ss do not like conflicts...until they can't take it any more. And then....they may just explode. Be aware - what may not seem like a big deal may mount into one. Sometimes they will keep their emotions in check too much (especially the older they get) and end up exploding over something small, or harboring resentment and anger over something they just never confronted. Let go of grudges and be open and honest - it's super important to really connect with others.

Never, ever confuse kindness for weakness. S's are not weak because they are caring and considerate. It takes great strength at times to choose compassion over rebuttal. 

Real Life Example #2

This is actually more an analysis from my coaching with personality styles.  More than any other personality style, this is the style where I see a skewed graph.  I explain graphs more in depth in this post, but for the sake of this example, when you look at a graph, you typically find 1-3 of the styles above the midline as your prominent styles, and 1-3 below the midline as not as much like you. The more drastic they are, the more true to yourself you tend to be. If they all hover around the midline, it typically means you are in transition of some sort, and the pressure shows up in a report that may not be fully accurate. (That being said, there is no "wrong" report, because they give us valuable insight as to where you in the process - if you want to find out more, check out my profile with coaching here)

That's why it's super critical as an S not to lose yourself in your care for others. What you say really matters. You make an impact, and we are all deeply affected by the Ss in the world. This quote is one I pull up time and time again as a reminder - 

As a parent, if you have an S child like I do, being authoritarian is a quick way to crush their spirit. Tone it down. For a high processing style, being direct and firm may be the way to get their attention and take notice, while you may have just as powerful of an affect with a high processor by simply sitting next to them and speaking in a softer tone. 

When you see a child who is slacking on everything, before berating them, sit down and talk to them. You may find your high S is struggling with something, and their emotional response is to shut down. Maybe the issue isn't about them cleaning up their room, and you have a moment to really connect and discover a deeper issue that has been brewing in them.

Thank you Ss, for all you do for the world. We are all powerful beyond measure, and you should never, ever underestimate the effect you have on the world. Not everyone screams for attention, and the Ss and Cs in the world can oftentimes be overshadowed. But know that every person in the limelight depends on the people behind the scenes to make things happen. Even if you or your child is introverted, quiet, or reserved, remember this in no way means you can't be confident, powerful, incredible you. We do not need Ss to become high Ds - never ever assume kindness means weakness. We are all powerful beyond measure.

The High C Style

She is calculated, witty and doesn't miss a beat. She spends hours upon hours drawing intricate designs, and is content to doodle the details alone in her room all day. It's not enough to get an answer to something, she has to know the reason behind the answer and make sure it all adds up.

The skeptic has to have the facts. Conversations that are emotionally charged can get lost on a high C personality style - because it's all about the logic. Emotions are fine, but they aren't concrete. To find an answer to a question, you must be prepared with all of the history, the statistics, and what has been proven.

The first thing a high C is going to want to know is "how was it done in the past?" and, when asked to tell someone about themselves, their first inclination is "why (and what) do you want to know?"

Super inquisitive by nature, a high C style is task-oriented, loves detail and laying out systems. With the gift of order, there is always a method to their madness, even if, to everyone else, their office or bedroom looks like chaos. The stacks and piles are all perfectly organized according to how they want them to be, regardless of how it appears to the rest of the world.   

Really, Cs don't care too much about what the rest of the world thinks - they simply want to ensure that their life makes complete sense to them, and they can back it all up by facts.

Real Life Example #1

When our children were younger, before we hit the road full-time, we enlisted a tutor to help our oldest with her reading. Our tutor was an incredible lady who was a glutton for research. When she first came to us, she presented us with folders for pre-K all the way through third grade, showing us all of the standards and measurements in the school system along with example exercises and the most perfect penmanship ever. Yes, I could simply look at her handwriting and know immediately she was a high C. It looked like computer-font because it was so neat. Every week I would get a summary on what she did with the girls, along with notes on how they reacted and what worked and didn't work. She loved the process of working one-on-one and really figuring out how to teach them in a way that made them come alive and love the process. She figured out how to bring her love of education to a format that worked for her.

Let me stress -being in a classroom full of 20 7-year-olds would have been a nightmare for her - but to pull a child out where she could really see how they tick on an individual basis; this is where she (and the child) really thrived. Covering the details, moving at an individual pace, looking to the past for what we can learn - all traits of a high C.

Real Life Example #2

The intricacy you see here is clearly that of a details-focused person. Clara's art is a true testament to the attention to detail that a C thrives in.

Natural Questioners

When Clara was around 7, the topic of "bad words" came up in the car (heard a song with a curse word in it). Her first response in our discussion was "well, if it's not a word you are supposed to say, then why was it invented and put in the dictionary?" She, like most Cs, is naturally inquisitive about facts. Cs ask a lot of questions to understand how something should work. They observe, ask and seek out information, and as a result, make some surprisingly logical connections.

C children, especially, are the rule keepers. Intent on doing the right thing, they strive to avoid mistakes because they expect perfection from their world...which of course includes themselves. Cs can be extremely sensitive to criticism, so in an effort to avoid it, they can take perfectionism to an extreme and deal with "paralysis by analysis." They can get irritated when someone else doesn't meet their standards and they feel they should "know better." And yes, all their i's are dotted and their t's are crossed.  

I am so thankful for C styles - they make sure the rest of us have credibility and are educated in our decisions. They challenge us to not simply speak from emotion, but to have a valid reason behind our response. And what we can give to a C personality is encouragement to do something, even if they risk failing.  

Barbara Streisand has a song that states "There are no mistakes; only lessons to be learned."  Helping this personality style to let go of perfectionism allows them to learn and grow even more, and helping them grasp how to not sweat the small stuff gives them the opportunity to balance their need for everything being just right in an imperfect world.

When Clara was learning to tie her shoes, this became very clear. I had the perfect learning opportunity with Clara when she broke down in frustrated tears because she couldn't get her shoelaces tied so they were even. We sat down together and talked about important things, like making sure we are buckled in our car seats for safety, and how, if our shoelaces are completely untied, we can trip on them and fall. And then we looked at having slightly uneven laces and whether or not it was a true safety issue. And we laughed.  

We laughed at the absurdity, and how this being perfect wasn't a serious issue. And we took one step away from perfectionism and a step closer toward human connection. And that is what it's all about.  Let go of the "rightness" of it all in a haphazard world, and keep that detailed focus on the balance of love and grace amidst imperfections. (And coincidentally, when we took a breather and tried again, she was able to get her shoelaces tied exactly as she wanted them).

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