Creating Sexual Legacy – How to talk to your kids about the Birds and the Bees: Part 3 (Episode 184)

What Cherie and Jess address in the course is this shift in perspective - that this is a growing aspect of who you are from the beginning of time and continuing to develop for the rest of your life. So it isn’t a finite beginning and end, and a new approach to address what you want your child’s sexual story to be - and develop.

Our Sexual Legacy

Our children are developing into and creating their sexual legacy every day, same as we are. What stories are they writing about it? Do they see their bodies as good and whole, or broken and a burden? Are they carrying your pain or wounds? Are you passing down an open approach to discussing it, or that this is a taboo topic to be avoided?

Pay attention to what you may be carrying with you. Are you holding on to shame, trauma, or even just avoidance of this area in your own life? How are you intentionally preventing that from being carried on as the legacy you yourself pass down?

Just like our family legacy, we are creating a sexual legacy whether we are intentional about it or not. 

Natural Curiosity

Children are going to explore their bodies. Oftentimes there is a completely innocent discovery of self-pleasure at a young age. And, depending on our experience as mothers and fathers, we're going to react a certain way. There is grace for this - we aren’t going to get it perfect all the time. Yet our reactions can set a foundation for what is okay and not okay - to talk about, explore, and more. Simply bring awareness to the fact that your responses and reactions pave way for the story you are creating as a foundation here. 

As adults, we can recognize now that we can be in charge of our story. And, we can decide what kind of story - or legacy - we want to leave. In simply acknowledging that we are giving our children a sexual legacy, it may prompt the need for healing yourself...which ultimately benefits you both. It’s a beautiful cycle. 

“For instance, in the two to five-year-old module, we talk about when our daughters discover their vulvas and they discover self pleasure. That is usually a trigger for a lot of people, because there have been a lot of stories around that and how we should handle that. 

We give some tips about how [to navigate this] in a gracious way. Because we're not perfect. We are responding from an automatic place, and we give some tips around actually preemptively understanding that there are going to be triggers, and then, reorienting our beliefs about a certain thing, and actually normalizing it from the perspective of a sex therapist. [For example], normalizing the fact that having a body is a good thing and that sexuality is a force for good in the world. And if we believe that as a core value, then we react out of that instead of this automatic, “Oh no, don't do that!”

Sexual Shame

Affirmations for The Win

We will still have those knee-jerk reactions. Especially if we have trauma and shame in our own story, there will be triggers. There may be something your child says that takes you back to these moments in your own history - and at that point, you are no longer with your child; you are there in that pain or shame again. 

Sometimes a simple affirmation can bring you back to center. You may have been shamed for exploring your private parts. And, as you walk in on your daughter exploring hers, your mind takes you back to your own moment. Instead of addressing her from that reactive space of a triggered emotion, shift to an intentional affirmation, like “humans are sexual beings.” 

Just keeping in mind that humans are sexual beings is your reminder that this is perfectly normal - that this isn’t your story, and you’re seeing this from a place of science and intuition - we need to know our bodies. 

When you can depersonalize the situation, you can be more proactive in creating the intention vs. the reaction. 

Reframe Your Focus

Pay attention to what you want vs. just how you’re feeling about it. Reframe what you want to create:

“I believe sexuality is a good thing. I want this to be something that connects us on a deeper level instead of separating us.”

Making that intention ahead of time can really help. AND, it’s a-ok to take a breather if you’re not ready for a question or a response. 

“None of this is polished. We’re all just figuring it out. But the more you bring intention and awareness to this part of their lives that has so commonly been shrouded in darkness and shame -  little by little, you're letting the light in, and your own reactions are going to change. They just are. I promise it just works.”

Sexuality Vs. Sexiness

How do you distinguish between sexuality and sexiness? There may be a fear that opening the door to these conversations, especially with our youngest children, means we’re setting them up to be sexually mature before they are ready for it. 

There is definitely a deep misunderstanding that can run deep in our culture that sexuality is more about the sleazy, sexy porn world vs. a beautiful and innocent aspect of our humanity. And that’s for good reason. Unfortunately many generations have known horrific experiences where it was anything but innocent and loving. 

It’s commonly understood that sex means intercourse. That’s really how we’ve understood sex to be more than anything else. Yet if you zoom out to this broader understanding of sex, it is this:

Sex is about connection and pleasure

The Holistic Approach

Think about that - if we were to whittle it down to the what is that pure beauty in it, sex is about connection and pleasure. And this is something we as a society tend to ignore in our go-go-go society. And yet talking about sex and sexuality from a holistic perspective means that many of the conversations won’t actually be about sex at all!

Take this example Cherie shares about in the course:

That is part of how you leave a sexual legacy - by training and teaching your daughter how to actually engage in intimacy with other people. Eventually this situation will be more adult, and may potentially lead to sex - and this foundation of setting boundaries around where and when she is more vulnerable is important. This can go in her bank of wisdom for later on in her life. 

Intimacy Has Many Levels

When your children know how to do friendships and ease into different levels of intimacy with another person, whether it’s sexual or not, it is still a part of our sexuality. This broadens our understanding of sexuality from nakedness and fooling around to things like boundaries, intimacy, human connection and pleasure.

We want to teach our children that pleasure is okay. Not just sexual pleasure, but any pleasure - a good meal, snuggling up near a fire, or doing something just for yourself.

These are foundational building blocks for all relationships as they grow. When you look at our completely non-sexual day-to-day life, there are so many opportunities for helping our children build relationships, understand consent, and learn respect for yourself and others. 

Keep Your Faith

Another thing to address here is the fact that we all may come from different backgrounds and belief systems. We can carry on our faith traditions and have cultural beliefs around sexuality while still allowing for openness and possibility in our conversations with our children. Regardless of what religion or culture you are from, at the core of our beings, scientifically, we are sexual in nature, and the more we understand this as a normal and beautiful part of who we are, the better we can frame our beliefs and values around this as well. 

Look around in nature and you will see affirmation on this natural tendency with many, many other creatures on this earth. Children are seeing animals have intercourse in nature, pleasure themselves, and more. Addressing the natural tendency doesn’t have to conflict with your spiritual beliefs. And, be careful about what spiritual beliefs you really do want to hold on to if they are laced in shame and/or trauma. 

You can still hold sacred your own values and beliefs in a way that still honors our bodies and respects who we are as people.

200 One-Minute Conversations

In the course, Jess and Cherie talk about how “the talk” isn’t really a one-and-done, but more to be looked at as “200 one-minute conversations.” It’s those little, super simple, light-hearted comments and conversations just as much as going deep into the logistics of it all. 

If you are willing to engage in mini conversations over and over with your children about all things sex and sexuality, not only are you creating a foundation for your children to able to openly share and process with you, you may actually be re-writing your own story in the process. 

Learning The Language

Instead of just one talk, or even disjointed conversations, look at this as learning a language. Just like they learn and develop a vocabulary that builds and develops over time and as their motor skills and maturity level grows, the same can be said for learning the language of their sexuality. 

In the womb, our babies are hearing sounds for the first time. They are feeling their bodies literally as they are growing and developing in the womb. Then they come out and they are observers in life, soaking it all in. Then, there comes a point when they start creating a voice for themselves, and learning to identify not only the word, but the feeling and emotion surrounding it. Their vocabulary deepens over time, as do the questions and complexity of it all. 

I could make the same analogy, yet, instead of words, discuss our growing relationship with our own sex and sexuality. 

If we can shift our approach to learning the language of our lives, it opens the door to an ongoing - and growing - dialogue that keeps on going as long as you are on a path of growth and discovery.

It’s not a script you go through and then memorize by a certain time. Take any adult who has been in more than one relationship to understand that - the language is nuanced, constantly changing, and different for every interaction.

This Isn't Just For Women

While the Moon Daughters platform and courses are geared toward mothers and daughters, I strongly feel it is a message everyone should hear. We are all impacted by a woman somewhere in our life - and the more we understand the beautiful intuitive complexity of all that is female, the better we all can connect. And, we are just as passionate about helping our daughters learn and understand what is going on with males as we are for them to learn their own bodies. 

We set a foundation of knowing ourselves first - yet, the better we can understand those who aren’t our own gender, the better we are going to be able to interact with them. So educating ourselves on both is so, so important.

Creating Sexual Legacy