I remember when my oldest, Clara, was 2 years old, and I was really going through a tantrum phase with her. She would really act out, and I was at my mother-in-law's house, sitting in the dining room talking with her about something Clara had done that week. As I was talking about Clara and her thoughts, feelings and actions, I observed her in the room with us, and noticed her behavior. It had gone from quietly playing on the couch near us to moving further away from us, grabbing some toys, and getting pretty aggressive and angry with them. 

I started thinking about personality styles, and how loyalty and trust are a huge part of a relationship, and how I, personally, would be pretty frustrated if someone were talking all about me and my behavior to someone else as if I weren't in the room. I sure don't want my daughter feeling ignored or betrayed - she does have thoughts of her own, and I want to ensure she knows I value those - this isn't a switch I decide to do "one day". 

How often do we talk over our children as if they aren't their own free-thinking little individuals? Do you recognize that, just like adults learning a new language, children will often understand way more than they are able to actually speak themselves? And, with this constantly growing and developing voice...when is it that we decide to flip a switch and pay attention to it?

Are you acknowledging their thoughts and emotions, even if they don't yet have the words to formulate it as you do?

I'm not here to be my child's voice, but to help her articulate the message SHE wants to say. 

As parents, we know the "right" thing, right? We're older, smarter, more mature, and have flat had more life experience than our children. And our kids don't know what they don't know. That being said, talking AT someone sure doesn't set a precedent for them really taking any new insight to heart, either. 

When you are talking AT someone, you aren't asking for any input. It's the lecture, the monologue, the strictly rhetorical question. It's ultimately not about the other person; it's about what you yourself want to say. 

When Nathan was talking at our child, she checked out. When you're passionately speaking from your soap box, it may be super helpful for you, but have you lost the others you're talking to? Is it really for them?

When we need to bring something to our children's' attention, a full-blown lecture rarely has the impression we want it to have on our kids. Sometimes, a simple observation of a pattern is all we need to do. Part of the process is being able to do this:

I see what I see

I say what I say

You use what you use

We learn and move on.

Instead of a lecture now, we may voice a concern and then let it go. What they choose to do with it is their prerogative. Clearly we're not letting our children take over, so it's not like it's a free-for-all and they can do whatever they want all the time.  Yet, we know the old adage "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" is true for our kids as well. There are times you can tell someone something over and over again, yet they are simply going to have to work through it themselves. Or, it may be that you simply aren't the teacher for that. 

If you're continuously talking at your children and you aren't seeing the positive fruit you want, check yourself. 

Are you engaging them in the conversation? Asking them questions that may help them find their own solution, or to better understand where they may be coming from? Are you willing to allow for natural consequences in their own growth process? Sometimes talking less and letting them actually experience the discomfort of a decision is way more effective than the words we have to say about it. 

Instead of me telling Juliet how to be a friend and what a good friend is, for example, I want to ask her so many questions that she can articulate in her own words what true friendship looks like. This is how we engage each other to have conversations with one another, supporting each person's own voice. 

Watch your language this week. Is it engaging in conversation WITH your children, or are you talking at, to or for them? 

Have you truly engaged in a back and forth conversation where you are really getting to know what your child is thinking and feeling?

Take the time to have a conversation with your child, even if they are a toddler. And recognize conversation is more than simply the words we say.