Relationship Triggers

#2 - Rejection

This is a huge trigger for the high I personality style. For people who love being in the limelight, who are natural story-tellers, who gravitate toward people as their fuel for life, this is a huge trigger. And, unfortunately, our efforts not to be rejected are oftentimes the very ones that push people away. 

Now, a word on rejection. Oftentimes our insecurities around rejection have everything to do with our perspective on the world, and what all is in our control. Pay attention to your mindset and the stories you write. Take note that sometimes when we feel like there is no one else it's because it's a critical time to look inward. 

We face into our challenges pretty quickly. Sometimes silence and time can do nothing but give your mind a chance to write stories about how you were wronged and the damage that can't be fixed. 

Nathan and I have the relationship we do at this point because of our continuous conversation about what we want - for ourselves, and for us as a couple. We're constantly talking about how we're moving together toward a goal, and yes, rubbing against triggers just like these so we can soften them for the moment to help support ease in our relationship. We face into these challenges and triggers to learn how to better support and love one another. Yes, we want our relationship to be full of ease and joy. It does not have to be hard and grueling, and we aren't waiting for one day to enjoy this life. 

If rejection is a trigger, pay attention to what all positivity and support you have around you. Are you strong enough in your self-love that you can recognize when people pull away because they need to vs. it being a character flaw in yourself? Can you allow people their own space when there is conflict? Do you surround yourself with positivity and things that inspire you? Do you have a support system of people who lift you up and affirm you? 

#3 - Loss of Security

Comfort and ease aren't a negative thing. If we're honest with ourselves, most people are going to vote for that vs. conflict and difficulty. Sometimes moving toward the path of least resistance isn't avoidance; but a brilliant move to simplify and un-complicate our lives. 

When our security is challenged, comfort can go out the window, and someone who may have been incredibly supportive and nurturing may turn to apathy and indifference. If I hear my husband say, "I don't care," that' raises a red flag to me that he may be feeling insecure somewhere, and it's easier to not care than create conflict. Maybe there is insecurity in a relationship, or the chaos of a stressful schedule, or too much change, or too many curveballs, etc. 

Sometimes it's not about picking apart the actual issue at hand. Relationship triggers can arise that can seem completely disconnected. Before we hit the road to RV the States full time, we had a lot on our plate. The six months leading up to us leaving were full of toxic work and extended family drama that had nothing to do with Nathan's and my relationship. Yet it clearly was going to impact our relationship for both of us to be maxed out and stressed. Nathan's "security" was pulled out from under him in many ways - he grew up in a home with traditional jobs and public school, and here we were about to leave everything we knew, amidst extended family falling apart and work adding more and more pressure. With so much upheaval, we needed to look for a constant. 

Relationship triggers are opportunities to come together and support one another. It's an opportunity to look toward the common goal of what you want "home" to be for you, and set in place support so triggers don't result in thoughtless reaction. During that hectic time for us, we set up a 7-7 rule. We had young children, and it was perfectly reasonable for them to be in bed by seven. By 7:30 or so every night, Nathan and I would go sit outside and talk about the day. We'd get any stresses and frustrations off our chest, and "air out all the laundry." Then, we would leave all tension and stress outside our house, and go in for a clean slate of connection for Nathan and me - everything else left outside and a time for us to be together fully in the moment, offering love and support for each other to recharge and do it again the next day. In the morning, we were up before kids to have our coffee, assess the day, and get a moment to breathe and get intentional about the day. 

This time every day - the consistency and stability of knowing we had this release to let it out and let it go - this created a security and stability in a very hectic time in our lives. We knew loss of security was a relationship trigger we were proactive in tackling. 

#4 - Criticism

The final relationship trigger is criticism. Sometimes, in our fear of being criticized, we end up moving into our own hypercritical mode. There is a desire to get things right and do the research to the point that analysis paralysis is a legit stumbling block that gets people time and time again. We can get so lost in the weeds we lose sight of the big picture. And for this, I stress literal and physical space as the best way to literally step back from the detail and see the full scope. 

In the scope of life, is this really necessary?

In the scope of all that is going on, is this detail even going to be noticed?

Would life still go on even if this isn't perfect?

Play through your fears of not reaching perfection. I highly, highly recommend this book to anyone struggling with perfectionism. Pay attention to areas you are confident in, and when you are feeling overwhelmed with trying to get something "right", beyond pulling back to see the big picture, you can also look at doing a little something you know you can excel at to give a little confidence boost. 

It's easier to sit in a pile of "they should have". Or I can be proactive in loving them the way I want to be loved. Instead of wishing someone else would do what you want, try doing it yourself. You want more support and love in your relationship? Who is going to start? 

Everyone wants to have security that helps them feel in control without rejection or criticism. That encompasses all the relationship triggers. And we aren't mind readers. The first step is recognize the triggers so you can look for solutions to support them from spiraling to reactive behavior. The second step is to look at what is within your control. Where are you finding security, stability and consistency in your life? Do you know how to get affirmation and support? Are you clearly communicating what you love to your partner? 

Instead of waiting for love and appreciation from others, give it. 

You want to feel in control? Allow others to take the lead at times as well.

You want security and stability? What are you showing up for in other's lives on a regular basis?

You hate criticism? Pay attention to how much you encourage vs. criticize.

Move toward those feelings of lightheartedness together. Be the light you want to also receive. Life is forward motion, and it's constantly changing. And we're constantly going to be looking for that ease - that flow in life. As we do this and recognize our triggers, it helps us to give grace and understanding for others who may be acting in reaction-mode. We can start to identify - is it control, rejection, security, criticism...what is one little thing you can offer to add some support? 

It's the little subtleties that break a cycle that's spiraling downward. It's easy when you're feeling conflict to get lost in that spiral of defeat and negativity. And when those relationship triggers come up, if just one person shifts the script from negativity and defeat on what's not right and moves to gratitude and appreciation, it breaks the cycle. It may not solve everything, yet it's a first step. Repeating the same debate over and over again isn't going to give you a different result. And that little step my be the positive relationship trigger to prompt the other person to match your genuine appreciation with their own. And you start to create synergy, where that gratitude builds on each other and becomes a different energy. And it's that beautiful step toward valuing how the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us. Namaste