So much of what we do when we're dating - if we're looking at all these areas - if we just continued - after the "I do", after the kids, after the job changes...

marriages would look vastly different. 

(Alisa DiLorenzo)

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Watch our full video interview here - and then solidify the steps with the blog below:

Meet Tony and Alisa

Tony and Alisa have been married for 25 years...yet at that 11-year mark, they, too, were looking to create something deeper in their marriage. Contemplating divorce for the second time, they were filled with a lot of heartache and hurt. Not to mention a 5- and 2-year-old at the time. So they had a few options - 

• get divorced now
• wait until the kids move out and THEN divorce
• do something radical and actually try and revitalize the love that brought them together. 

Thankfully, they chose the latter, and embarked on a crazy 60 day sex challenge! As they yearned to practice the marriage they were encouraging others to thrive in, they got the book "Intimacy Ignited" and set to a mission: 60 days of lovemaking.

Yes, they were leading a small group at their church on marriage, and upped the ante of accountability by not only deciding to do a 60 day challenge; they shared the whole journey with their small group!

Alisa wasn't too keen on the idea to begin with, and, in her prayers, heard this challenge:

"What are you willing to try? He's simply asking you to make your marriage a priority."

They completed a full forty out of the sixty days, and, in the process, revitalized more than just sex in their marriage. They brought back the fun and delight of really, intentionally focusing on one another.

One Extraordinary Marriage? We Followed Their Lead

And there were Alisa and Tony, talking all about a 7-day sex challenge. Well, I hear the word "challenge" and my mind said, "bring it." Let's have some fun with this! If Nathan doesn't think we're having enough sex, I'll show him we are...and we'll track it.

The dots on the calendar became our inside joke, a goal we worked toward together, and a point of intentional connection for us every day. And, 7 days in, we didn't feel like stopping. So we kept going. Thirty days in. Sixty days in. Ninety days in. Whoa - a full year and we're still going strong! 

Yes, my friends, twelve years ago we started making love daily, and we've essentially never stopped. 

The difference between Sex and Intimacy

The Six Pillars of Intimacy

As Alisa laid out, the Six Pillars of Intimacy is really a framework for couples to be able to look at your marriage and really assess how you can achieve an extraordinary marriage.

This book is laid out to empower couples to take action, and know what areas they want (and need) to take action on. 

In our conversation, Nathan asked Tony and Alisa how much the love languages came into play with what all they talk about. And they shared how it comes up often, however now is time for a new approach.

I completely agree with them - when you find a grouping you identify with - be it gift-giving as your love language or being a high S personality style, what is intended to help can unfortunately be twisted into a weapon to use against one another. 

When an insight becomes your justification to act in a way that doesn't serve the relationship well, it's time to check your motives. Looking at things like the love languages - and even personality styles - are not the end-all-be-all final excuse. It's simply opening the door to more self-awareness...and then taking the tools that help you move closer in connection, and dropping the rest. Relationships are a two-way street - it's not just your thoughts and actions - so you have to take into account both person's needs. 

Creating a "Pillar" framework was intentional. The goal is to see yourselves as a team, and these pillars are the foundations of this house you're building together. It's up to you both to keep them from crumbling and fix any cracks. 

People can trap themselves in the identity of a "quality time person" or "high D style" and be more focused on what that is than how it's helping or hurting them. People don't look at pillars and identify with a pillar - they don't say "I'm emotional intimacy". With the pillars it's a team sport - you identify the intimacy to address, and you do it together. 

Here are the Six Pillars of Intimacy:

#1 Emotional Intimacy

Your Weekly Challenge:

When you both are taking action on keeping every pillar of intimacy strong in your marriage, you are continuing to deepen the trust that you are in this together. 

It's not about trusting that your partner will be perfect.

It's trusting they are going to show up to your relationship. 

When you look at pillars of intimacy, you have talking points to look at together. You both have a framework for a house to create together. 

Be intentional. Take action. Take one step in your marriage today and see where it goes. 

Take that one step. Do what you can do show up. As you're doing that, honor, respect, and give grace for your partner along the way as we trust both are seeking to celebrate how the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us.

Namaste